Thursday, March 20, 2008

10,000 Bc- Dus Hazar Bee Cee

Osiris 83 here


What the f**k?

Repeat that from the time this movie starts till the end in a recursive loop. No, it’s not at all difficult. Yes, certain movies can really be so spectacularly moronic. Read on.

I missed the first 5 minutes of the movie – Sunday morning show. Anyway, in a galaxy far away …yes, I know what I’m talking about. This just couldn’t have happened on Earth. No fucking way. So in a certain galaxy far far away, a young mammoth hunter D’Leh (Steven Strait), who is a horrible actor if I may add, hunts a mammoth single handedly and wins the woman of his dreams Evolet (Camilla Belle). Evolet doesn’t speak much but she is quite hot. But, with a name like that, D’Leh could have made a fantastic career being a prehistoric R&B singer, and everyone knows ladies dig the R&B dudes.

Yeah let’s continue … there is an old lady in their tribe who sees things, seems retarded and casts prophecies. Fair enough. There is also a dude who is named Tic Tic (what the fuck?). Tic Tic looks a bit like slightly less fat version of Sabeer Bhatia; while hunting he wears some sort of paint on his face and looks like Ghaal, the vocalist from the black metal band Gorgoroth.

A band of raiders riding horses (what the fuck? Its 10,000 BC) invade their tribe and kidnap a whole lot of people including Evolet. Our dude, D’Leh, with Tic Tic and a kid embark on a journey to get their people back.On the way D’Leh encounters a saber-tooth lion. He makes friends with it. He also encounters phorusrhacidae aka terror birds (what the fuck?) and manages to get away. Eventually, he runs in some African tribe, who assume he is ‘the one’ since the saber-tooth is his friend. Also, he fulfills a prophecy which is nothing but a cave drawing showing a stick figure fighting/talking with a saber-tooth. They all join him with their spears.

Along with his army he marches on and on. Finally he reaches ….. Egypt. How do we know that? Because, there are pyramids. Oui monsieur, pyramids. In 10,000 BC!!!

WHAT THE FUCKING HELL?!?!

The rest of it is all about D’Leh (yo) and his army of spear-men rescuing the slaves who turn against the masters, Tic Tic dies (or rather, sacrifices himself), the spearmen and D’Leh free the mammoths who take care of the rest, D’Leh further kills the Egyptian king/pharaoh proving that he is no God but just a mortal. Evolet dies and miraculously lives again. They go back, learn farming and maybe grow some weed. The end.

Afterthoughts

Now, why exactly does this movie suck? Ronald Emmerich has a fabulous record of directing movies which are really weak from the science point of view (that said, I like Stargate). 10,000 BC, however, gets to the lowest level of mind, beats all those and emerges victorious. D’Leh (what’s the delio?) and his tribe speak in English. Ok, no issues. But why the fuck does other, apparently/seemingly/suggestively, ‘lost’ civilizations talk in a different language? So those tribesmen actually speak in English?

We have the invaders who ride horses, there are terror birds existing, we have sail boats, metallic claws and weaponry and the biggest of all, pyramids (with their tops made out of solid gold). Also, before I forget, Egyptians, *ahem* have maps, geometrical tools and *tah da!!!* Telescopes. I was wondering if they will include Jesus in the movie. Why didn’t D’Leh take the early morning flight to Egypt? Why couldn’t Emmerich just browse wikipedia? OR Why couldn’t he name this movie as 1000 BC or something? OR Why the fuck he did not consult any historian, scientist, archaeologist or anthropologist??? I hate to compare but Mel Gibson did a better job with Apoclypto, and I’m not a fan of that movie. That itself was historically inaccurate but a much better flick.

For all the CGI freaks this could be a treat. The mammoths are well done. Later on, when they actually use miniature models of the pyramids (acquired knowledge from some random forum); the special effects seemed rather dodgy. Maybe because I watched the movie at the local IMAX but it was not in the IMAX format/resolution which could have made the difference.
The performances are just average. Not even close to ‘good’. The dialogues are magniloquent and painful and there is no humor, but don’t worry about that you will find it yourself.

All in all, this movie is bullshit to the max. If you possess the capability to pass those nifty in-betweens go ahead and watch this piece of shit otherwise for fuck’s sake skip it totally. This movie raped my senses. If you want a better way to waste money just drop it off a bridge. Going through a spam folder is probably more entertaining

“You don’t like your device size? Girls laugh at you? Don’t waste time you can solve this trouble right now.”

How fucking refreshing.


Star- Well none.


1 comment:

Trisha said...

brilliant review man!!