10,000 Bc- Dus Hazar Bee Cee

By -
Osiris 83 here


What the f**k?

Repeat that from the time this movie starts till the end in a recursive loop. No, it’s not at all difficult. Yes, certain movies can really be so spectacularly moronic. Read on.

I missed the first 5 minutes of the movie – Sunday morning show. Anyway, in a galaxy far away …yes, I know what I’m talking about. This just couldn’t have happened on Earth. No fucking way. So in a certain galaxy far far away, a young mammoth hunter D’Leh (Steven Strait), who is a horrible actor if I may add, hunts a mammoth single handedly and wins the woman of his dreams Evolet (Camilla Belle). Evolet doesn’t speak much but she is quite hot. But, with a name like that, D’Leh could have made a fantastic career being a prehistoric R&B singer, and everyone knows ladies dig the R&B dudes.

Yeah let’s continue … there is an old lady in their tribe who sees things, seems retarded and casts prophecies. Fair enough. There is also a dude who is named Tic Tic (what the fuck?). Tic Tic looks a bit like slightly less fat version of Sabeer Bhatia; while hunting he wears some sort of paint on his face and looks like Ghaal, the vocalist from the black metal band Gorgoroth.

A band of raiders riding horses (what the fuck? Its 10,000 BC) invade their tribe and kidnap a whole lot of people including Evolet. Our dude, D’Leh, with Tic Tic and a kid embark on a journey to get their people back.On the way D’Leh encounters a saber-tooth lion. He makes friends with it. He also encounters phorusrhacidae aka terror birds (what the fuck?) and manages to get away. Eventually, he runs in some African tribe, who assume he is ‘the one’ since the saber-tooth is his friend. Also, he fulfills a prophecy which is nothing but a cave drawing showing a stick figure fighting/talking with a saber-tooth. They all join him with their spears.

Along with his army he marches on and on. Finally he reaches ….. Egypt. How do we know that? Because, there are pyramids. Oui monsieur, pyramids. In 10,000 BC!!!

WHAT THE FUCKING HELL?!?!

The rest of it is all about D’Leh (yo) and his army of spear-men rescuing the slaves who turn against the masters, Tic Tic dies (or rather, sacrifices himself), the spearmen and D’Leh free the mammoths who take care of the rest, D’Leh further kills the Egyptian king/pharaoh proving that he is no God but just a mortal. Evolet dies and miraculously lives again. They go back, learn farming and maybe grow some weed. The end.

Afterthoughts

Now, why exactly does this movie suck? Ronald Emmerich has a fabulous record of directing movies which are really weak from the science point of view (that said, I like Stargate). 10,000 BC, however, gets to the lowest level of mind, beats all those and emerges victorious. D’Leh (what’s the delio?) and his tribe speak in English. Ok, no issues. But why the fuck does other, apparently/seemingly/suggestively, ‘lost’ civilizations talk in a different language? So those tribesmen actually speak in English?

We have the invaders who ride horses, there are terror birds existing, we have sail boats, metallic claws and weaponry and the biggest of all, pyramids (with their tops made out of solid gold). Also, before I forget, Egyptians, *ahem* have maps, geometrical tools and *tah da!!!* Telescopes. I was wondering if they will include Jesus in the movie. Why didn’t D’Leh take the early morning flight to Egypt? Why couldn’t Emmerich just browse wikipedia? OR Why couldn’t he name this movie as 1000 BC or something? OR Why the fuck he did not consult any historian, scientist, archaeologist or anthropologist??? I hate to compare but Mel Gibson did a better job with Apoclypto, and I’m not a fan of that movie. That itself was historically inaccurate but a much better flick.

For all the CGI freaks this could be a treat. The mammoths are well done. Later on, when they actually use miniature models of the pyramids (acquired knowledge from some random forum); the special effects seemed rather dodgy. Maybe because I watched the movie at the local IMAX but it was not in the IMAX format/resolution which could have made the difference.
The performances are just average. Not even close to ‘good’. The dialogues are magniloquent and painful and there is no humor, but don’t worry about that you will find it yourself.

All in all, this movie is bullshit to the max. If you possess the capability to pass those nifty in-betweens go ahead and watch this piece of shit otherwise for fuck’s sake skip it totally. This movie raped my senses. If you want a better way to waste money just drop it off a bridge. Going through a spam folder is probably more entertaining

“You don’t like your device size? Girls laugh at you? Don’t waste time you can solve this trouble right now.”

How fucking refreshing.


Star- Well none.


Comments

Unknown said…
brilliant review man!!
March 21, 2008 at 8:26 PM
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Satyajit Ray, 'What's wrong with Indian Films?

By -
Image
2008 The year is drawing to a close and top-ten lists have already started hitting the Internet. While going through several list of the, ‘Best movies of the year- distributed and non-distributed,’ it’s sad and remarkable to see the omission of Indian films. Over the years, there seems to be either ignorance on part of film festivals, critics, organizers about our cinema or in a country of over billion people,we are not able to make one worthwhile film that could transcend boundaries and cultural space- irrespective of being Indian. Beside let’s make this clear- Slumdog Millionaire is not an Indian film as the media seemed to project, rather it’s a British film with an Indian context. And so instead of proclaiming this as our conquest on the global stage, we should lament why anyone from our own industry couldn’t achieve this feat. While it's high time we should move on from talking about our scripts reaching the Oscar library or the growth of Bollywood in the US and UK box-offic...
Read more

Satyajit Ray

By -
Image
Satyajit Ray Date of Publication: 2004-06-03 Language: English Author: Amitav Ghosh In 1989, during my first extended stay in New York, I was suddenly struck by a wave of Ray nostalgia. It was no coincidence perhaps that I had recently finished writing The Shadow Lines, which is, of all my novels, the one that more clearly shows the influence of Satyajit Ray. It struck me that Ray too had once been a stranger in this overwhelming city; that he too had walked the streets on Manhattan in Kolkata-bought shoes. One day, plucking up my courage, I made an appointment with the director James Ivory, who I knew to be a friend of Ray's. Later that week I went to interview Ivory, cassette recorder in hand. This is how Ivory described his first meeting with Ray, in the winter of 1960: 'I looked him up in Calcutta,' Ivory said. 'I had never met him. I had seen at that point, Pather Panchali ('Song of the Road') and Aparajito ('Undefeated'). I knew that Apur Sansar (...
Read more

THE DELHI MANIFESTO

By -
Image
THE DELHI MANIFESTO Our cinema screen has become an ill-constructed, and conventional portal to a world we aspire of, rather than a mirror, which reflects us. Our emotions are guided by leitmotifs placed deftly, and religious beliefs exploited. Our spirit of inquiry has become dead and we have been reduced to mere receivers in the process. Cinema and television has replaced interaction with imposition of thought. Its thought. An artificial, fake and ill-created thought, a manifestation of our needs to escape ourselves. The medium has become a symbol of cheap entertainment, devoid of any examination of the form, and a victim of our collective need to create personalities, perfect alternate universes, and images of our aspiration. Our criticism has become trivial. Stories take precedent over the intrinsic qualities of the cinematic medium. Our film lovers are snobs, indulging in their wholehearted pseudo-intellectual diatribe, condemning the ignorant, and the ignorant have become so used...
Read more